Another Andy Borowitz insta-classic:

Controversial Law Draws Howls of Protest from Lawmakers

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – A government think-tank today proposed a controversial new law, “No Politician Left Behind,” which would pay congressmen solely on the basis of performance.

The law, which was proposed by the University of Minnesota’s Institute of Government, “would make a serious dent in the Federal deficit because few if any congressmen would ever have to be paid,” said the Institute’s director, Davis Logsdon.

“Right now, congressmen get paid even when they storm out of budget negotiations in a hissy fit,” Mr. Logsdon said.  “Under this new law, the rule would be, no budget, no paycheck.”

The idea of being paid per accomplishment drew howls of protest from lawmakers, many claiming that if the law were enacted it would result in their financial ruin.

“If passed, this law would be tantamount to the establishment of ‘Work Panels,’ which would determine whether individual congressmen are accomplishing anything,” said Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA).  “I, for one, would be in deep, deep trouble.”

“I’m fairly sure that this law is unconstitutional,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “Now, I have never actually read the Constitution, but if this law were passed I would probably be forced to read it or live in a cardboard box.”

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said that creating performance standards for lawmakers was “an insult to the institution of Congress.”

“We have spent millions of dollars, some of it out of our own pockets, to get to Washington,” he said.  “We did not come here to be treated like teachers.”

My first exposure to the comedy of the late George Carlin was as a junior-high aged kid. A couple of buddies and I howled with laughter to Carlin’s all-time classic “Seven Words You Can’t Say on Television” (partly because we were WAY too young to use that kind of language and partly because of the brilliance with which Carlin laid bare society’s absurdity.)

I was intrigued by a recent guest post on Barry Ritholtz’s The Big Picture blog demonstrating comedians’ investment wisdom, particularly that of George Carlin.  Here are a few investment maxims and a related Carlin quote:

Don’t confuse causation with correlation. “Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

Don’t try to outsmart the investor herd. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

Value your own perspective. “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”

The rest of the post is here.

The guest post, by the way, is from financial planner and Kent Thune, whose website The Financial Philosopher is educational, thought-provoking and engaging.

Andy Borowitz is one of the funniest guys around. I don’t suggest this kind of thing often, but the faux news he distributes through his email list and Twitter feed are worth subscribing to if you enjoy quick-witted irreverence.  Today’s post:

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – A threat to the fledgling presidential campaign of Donald Trump emerged today, as a group of activists charged that Mr. Trump is not eligible to hold the nation’s highest office because his hair does not originate from the U.S.

The group, who call themselves “Balders,” claim that the hair-like substance that crowns Mr. Trump’s head is from a foreign country, which would mean that the candidate is less than one hundred percent American.

“Time and time again, Donald Trump has refused to produce a certificate of authenticity for his hair,” said Leeann Selwyn, a leading Balder.  “This is tantamount to a comb-over of the truth.”

But if in fact Mr. Trump’s distinctive mane turns out to be of foreign origin, such a revelation need not be fatal to his presidential hopes, says Professor Davis Logsdon, who has studied the history of presidential hair at the University of Minnesota.

“Remember, several of our greatest early presidents, like George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, had hair that originated elsewhere,” Mr. Logsdon says.  “The only thing that could kill Trump politically is if his hair turns out to be from France.”

At a GOP event in Iowa, Mr. Trump made no reference to the Balders controversy, and instead sounded an upbeat theme: “If I am given the chance to do the same magic I did for NBC, America will be the number four country in the world.”

In a piece of good news for Mr. Trump, a new poll showed a majority of likely voters agreeing with the statement, “Donald Trump being sworn in as President would be a great last scene in a Planet of the Apes remake.”